My memories of a church

       Although I was not born in a Christian family, church's sphere came into my life in my early age. As Korea has been influenced by major religions around the world, I get to go to a religious place started off with a Buddhist temple nearby my house in Shinchon following my grandmother in a hot summer day in end of July. As many Koreans would experience living in Korea, religious experiences come with visiting the temples and churches. And Christianity has particular attraction to young people with its steeple over looking the town in hilltop or in a busy section of the town.  Nearby my home, there was a steel bell tower with its bars crisscrossed.  A bell was hung at the top and it stood tall near the main entrance to the church with a long rope hanging low allowing for saxsony to full and ring the bell.  The front gate was painted in beige which was always left open ajar even on the weekdays.  On Sundays, I could see students entering the church wearing in school uniforms. On a cold day, as I was riding in a bus, a sight of a man who was about to strike the bell was caught in my eyes; he was walking toward the town and then bent his chest as he was reaching the end of rope to ring the bell. Steam was bellowing out from his mouth in cold weather. 

      Around the time when my grandmother's health was in precipitous fall, my grandmother spent much time laying in her room. Once awhile, several elderly ladies from this church were making visits to give spiritual comfort in Christian faith. The ladies sang hymns for half an hour in her room. Everyone carried a large black leather bag, and one of the ladies had stooped back.  My grandmother had never attended a church. In fact, and yet she was clinging to Christian faith as her health deteriorated precipitously.  I often heard them singing hymns while playing outside near her room oblivious to the depth of her illness. As some hymns were sung repeatedly, I picked up the melodies, and that was my second time in my life encountering with religiosity. 

However, the first time I ever stepped into a church came a year later after she passed away, tagging along with my friend, Kyung-june, who lived in my neighborhood. The church was located farther away and it had a long steeple with a lightening rod at the top; it located on a hilltop, taking 20 minutes of walk along the 연세로, a straight path that is shared by Shinchon Church and many shops and restaurants.

    
    Several paths lead to the church from my house, but shortest one was by passing through a small ghetto neighborhood, which was along a segment of embankment(교외선) that stretched out.  It is not clear to me when this neighborhood came about for I had never played nor passed by in this part of the town, but it perhaps was formed as early as  years before I was born due to people were seeking shelters after the war. There was hardly any crackdowns of making illegal residency in any place in 60's and 70's for town officials knew lack of housing available at that time.  The narrow path stretched out along the railroad embankment for 100 yards with makeshift houses aggregated along the path with no spacing in between. The front doors were facing a long narrow pathway with no pavement. The roofs of houses were installed with green plastic slates to reduce the weight, eliminating possibility of collapse on the shoddy construction. The roofs stretched out irregularly above permeating green sunlight on sunny days like a greenhouse. In rainy days, the place turned dark with no street lights, walking on the path more tratchourous. The path was not paved and leveled off, with part of it had clay sewer pipe exposed above the ground. Even on sunny days, the uneven unpaved ground made my eyes focuse on taking the steps.  

    Getting to the church, I used to take this path on sunny days and took a detour on cloudy days.  On some rainy Sundays when I forgot to take the detour, it posed a bit of challenge walking down the path with rain dripping down heavily from the roofs causing the uneven ground very slippery.

     Although my house was located away from the place, the neighborhood and my house were demolished as part of a project to widen the road nearby in early 80's. I visited the place in the summer of 1987, eleven years after after, and saw the widened road and a expanded the bus stop nearby.

      As I walked out of the neighborhood, a sigh of relief would come out thinking that the remainder of my excursion to the church would mainly be treats to my eyes seeing goods displayed on show windows of shops.  The church is located on a hilltop with its steeple that hold up a cross. Taking a left turn at a bookstore,     the church was about 50 meters from the bookstore. The hill was paved, but it posed a bit of challenge for anyone walking up and down on winter when snow comes. The concrete pavement is made with many heavy horizontal lines marks to give traction for people walking up and down the hill. On summer days, sweat ran through my black school hat after walking up the hill, prompting me to take it off out of breath by the time reaching the the main door.  On snowy winter days, the hill becomes quickly slippery as snow trodden by people. People would walk gently like a tortoise and yet still scenes of one or two people falling down with thump creating a bravado drawing attention to passerby. 

 I went to this church first time through Kyung-june in primary school. He lived in a house in my neighborhood with a large front yard with wild flowers growing.  I remember peeking into his a small front door calling him out to play with me.  The front door of his house had a small aluminum plate affixed - a a small cross pained in red, which tells the name of the church that his family goes to.

    
When I think about how I ended up going to this church, Kyung-june comes into my mind. On one summer day afternoon in August, Kyung-june and I had a little argument, and I accidentally kicked his groin. All of a sudden, he dropped down on his knee crying in pain. I was standing there waiting him to stop crying, but his crying grew louder and louder and would never die down. The incident took place right outside the wall of his house, and the thought of his mom coming out in any minute listening to the sound of her child’s crying scared me. . I was thinking, “Should I stay or leave the scene?” I asked that question to myself several times before finding myself running up the hill besides his house that led to the entrance of my house. I slammed the front door shut behind me and then drew the iron bar making a screeching noise to lock the door, ramming into my room out of breath. Closing the door immediately, I opened a big dresser for keeping blankets and jumped up on top of layers of blankets and close its door. In the dark, I could hear my heart thumping, wishing that the problem would just go away on its own. How could the situation got suddenly turned into tupsy tubby! At age 5, this incident was registered in my mind as first situation in my life that I dragged myself into a pit and then wished that somehow the problem would go away on its own magically by simply burying my head in sand.  Unfortunately, after a while, I could hear his mom knocking on the door and then I could clearly hear her voice as well as my mom and my grandmother. Listening to the tone of her voice, I naturally assume that she came to complain about the incident, and my heart was thumping at the same time I was trying to figure out how much she was upset.  I was trying to calculate the distance from where I was and to the approximate position where she would be standing at the moment in the yard, and whether the loud voice of her was due to the distance or the degree to which she had been upset.  Apparently, My Mom and my grandmother must have heard the front door getting slammed shut and screeching sound of the iron bar being drawn and sensed that I have done something wrong outside, and they were intuitively expecting something about to happen. My grandmother and my Mom apologized to her and promised to her that it will never happen again.  For some reason, my grandmother was not mad, but she told me that I should treat others kindly with respect. Furthermore, she told me that I shouldn’t have run away from the incident, instead face the situation by taking the boy to his home and apologizing to both the boy and to his mom, and asked me to go to his house and make the apologies.  Realizing that the flames have subsided after she visited my home, I went to his house and pressed the buzzer.  The dog was barking loud getting me a bit scared.  When his mom came, I said, ”I am sorry kicking him.”

On a Christmas Eve, he took me to the church where his family goes. The church gave me a box of crayon as a Christmas gift, which I took home quite happily. At times, I was wondering why the church would give stuff for free to children, and I thoughts that the church gives away things for free made me to think fondly about going to church, and decided to go with him.  I continued to go to church past Easter Sunday on the following year and even brought home several eggs that I have painted during the Sunday School hour and showed them to my brother. One Sunday afternoon, we played running around the churchyard, chasing each other. On one Sunday, after service, we played a chase game, and I went through an opened window and was caught by a maintenance personnel as I was squeezing my self though an opened window.  He pulled my shirt from behind keeping me from going through; he gave me a stern warning not to go through the window. I stopped going to the church after the incident for mild fear of running into the man again.


Kyung-june’s Dad passed away all of a sudden when he was in primary school. It was my first time that I had ever experienced someone in the neighborhood died, and the notion of death slowing entered into my consciousness -Earlier I had encountered a death of my dog; my uncle had put the dog in a sack and carried away to be buried in a nearby mountain.  I often saw his dad, coming out from his house calling out his son’s name asking him to come in for dinner while we were playing outside late in the evening. Passing by his house, I momentarily peeked into his house through a small door ajar to find the empty front yards that nothing but exuded eerie quietness. The thought that his dad was no longer with us made me feel strange. Thereafter, we never played together often.  Soon, my friend’s family moved out of the town renting one smaller room on a house up on a hillside of the 와우산(Mt. Wawoo) in a neighboring town. I remember visiting him several times after school. There was a big shrine with red wooden pillars long the way that I had to pass to get to his place, which must have been built during Yi Dynasty. I didn't know when and why the shrine was built for.  The windows of the shrine had windowpanes made out of rice paper. I was trying to see what might be inside through many holes of the rice papers torn apart, but I did not dare to come closer looking at the hideous looking tree next made me feel scared, feeling thankful that it was not dark in the evening.

I was brought up in a family where old things are supposed to be treasured.  My father collected antiques and kept them well in boxes and put in attic. It was sad to see that the shrine would soon be demolished for a construction project. Even to my young eyes, I was hard pressed to think that old treasures would get destroyed with no regards.

His room had a small desk where he could sit and do study. I could not believe that the family’s economic condition had suddenly become worse.  I saw his small desk with books on top sitting in the room while we were talking.  He didn't look cheerful, so I asked him that we go out to play. We went to see his new school nearby his home, in which several big boulders were found, so we climb on top and jumped off repeatedly until we grew tired. That was my last time I shared with him.  After graduating from the elementary school, and I stopped visiting him. My beginning of the middle school, my fear of meeting the maintenance personnel was gone, and I went to the church several times hoping to meet him, but I could not  meet him anymore. For some reason, the thought of visiting his house again never occurred to me.

In my 1st year in High School before Christmas, after my parents and my younger brother had left to the US, I started going to church again. I know that I would not be able to meet Kyung-june, but my memories of the church from earlier visits had made me to go the church on regular basis. I got to know a group of young people in Youth Group instead. This was my very first time I became acquainted with many people in my neighborhood- whom I had seen before, but never we talked with each other- all at once with an exception of a boy whom I was sitting together with him when I was in 3rd grade in primary school.  Starting 3^rd grade, boys and girls were segregated sitting in different classrooms, and he was my first boy whom I had to share the seat together. His name was “형일” and his voice was changed quite different in husky tone after going throug puberty. We studied bible together, and some students threw a hard questions to a youth minister. The Youth group had its own service held in a small gathering place besides the main sanctuary with its door had a wooden sign.  The sign was nailed at the top above the entrance door with a word "미디안."  I was often confused the name of the place with the German novel "데미안," and my knowledge bible was still limited puzzling over the name of the building, “미디안."  A small organ was placed near the pulpit." Sometimes, when I arrive at the church early, I tried to make some sound when nobody was around.  Once 현선 came into the meeting place and saw my playing with it, and I would get embarrassed and took my hands off immediately and scurried away finding my seat. 현선 is about my age, played the organ every Sunday during service.

I knew her name fairly early for her name appears on the worship program. She wore a high school uniform with a bright white color that looked as though it had just been washed. We met every Saturday afternoon after school as the youth choir practiced songs for Wednesday service. Her father was an elder of the church, wearing a dark glasses.  Her father often attended Wednesday services that the youth choir sung during the services. Once, he came upon us while we were all sitting, practicing a hymn called “Over the Jordan River”; he pointed out that our selection of the hymn was not good and asked not to sing the hymn during the service since “Jordan River” means death in biblical context as lights shone through the windows reflected on his glasses distracted my eyes.  The elder was a professor of the university where my father had graduated from, and he was professional acquaintance of my father; they traveled together to attend conferences. Once I saw him with my dad in a picture that my father kept in a pile. When I asked my Dad whether he knew, he told me that the photo was taken when he went to Jeju island along with him many years ago while he was attending in a conference. I remember the day my Dad coming from his trip to Jeju island, bringing a newspaper with his picture on it. The newspaper put my Dad’s picture along with description of him in  “Visitor of Week to Jeju Island” column. My mother read the column and bewildered by a misprint made in the column; it said that my Dad has six children instead four children, and my Mom asked my father whether he as any illegitimate sons or daughter that he was hiding from her.

Rev. Hong was a young minister who preached on Sunday. He participated in various youth activities including bible studies. I had never seen wearing casual clothing except one time I had visited his home when he was living an apartment nearby the church.   He administered both the adult services and the youth group services on Sunday and when he could not find time to administer the youth group services, a college student, Mr. Lee, often led Youth Group Sunday Services.  The youth leader was attending a college in Shinchon, and he often wore a baseball hat and a worn-out military walker.  We didn’t talk in great deal, and I wasn’t quite sure whether he was official a youth group leader, but he participated in many youth activities at that time, which included publishing yearly magazine, singing hymns in the hospital’s corridors on Saturday evening for cheering up patients there, and participating in discussions that were often carried out in 벝엘.  I had impression that he wanted to be a minister.

My job at the church in 2^nd year of high school was to hand out birthday gift to the fellow young parishioners. Of all the years I had gone to churches, this was the most memorable job that I had ever held in church.  I don’t have recollection exactly how I ended up doing the task. During the service, before a sermon started, a brief session was held in congratulating people who have birthday in the forthcoming week. The people were called out and asked to come in front, and small gifts were handed out to them followed by singing “Happy Birthday To You.”  I was paired up with 현선, who played organ.  Basically, 현선 was in charge of buying the gifts and all I had to do was calling out the names in the list that she prepared and and the gifts out to them as they come out near to the pulpit. 현선 made sure that presents were ready for coming Sunday service.  All I had to do was to meet her at the building called “벝엘”, across from “미디안”, 15 minutes prior to start of the Sunday service and wrap the presents with her. 현선 would lay out the gifts and scissors and wrapping paper, and we would get started wrapping the presents.  She came to the church wearing her school uniform with her hair braided in two ponytails, one on each side of her head. She handed out a list of the names to be called out to me. We all had to wear school uniform to attend the services. My school had its summer uniform recently changed with new modern design, which I did not like that much.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

The youth group went to a summer retreat. Everybody got on the bus and headed out. It was during the monsoon season, rain was pouring as we were heading to a primary school that was rented. The school was in outskirt of Seoul, which took more than an hour by bus to get there. Fortunately, it stopped raining when we arrived. We prepared for dinner and had a nice meal.  In the evening, we circled around a bonfire and sang hymns. We sang so many hymns on that evening, that I learned so many hymns. I brought a tent that my father brought from his trip to the US and pitched it outside in the yard while dinner was getting ready, but rain started coming and it continued making it impossible to sleep in the tent. I saw the tent was standing all day long in rain. The day before we left, sun popped up drying things up, and I was able to pack the tent to take it home.  In the evening after it became dark, we gathered around a bonfire and sang hymns for a long time. The girls were sitting together and I could see her face in the light. On the way back, the bus was crowed, and my pants got ripped exposing my knees. I could hear 현선 talking with her friends in the bus on the other end.

It's not clear when I first came across with her. She told me that she remembers when I was in middle school, but I visited the church only several times during my middle school years.  One day we went to a party that was held in one of our friend's house. We played a game together. We did drawing to pair ourselves up for the game. I had paired up with her choosing number six and sat next to her feeling groovy for the whole time.

On a late autumn day, the youth group went to a picnic in 장흥, which is about 40 miles north of Seoul. We all took a train ride to get there. She was cheerful and seemed to be enjoying the picnic with free of worries and trifles.  On the way home, we all took a photo standing on a suspended bridge for walking over a stream making loud noise churning.  The picture shows her nice smile with teeth. She had two ponytails as usual, wearing a white blouse with dots. We gathered around a public swimming pool that has been emptied out for the season and sang songs with strumming of a guitar. During the break, I climbed up a tree to see a view from the top, and I saw 현선 and her friends walking passing by the tree. I dropped a little good luck charm so that it would land in front of her.  The good luck charm was missed by an inch falling behind of her. 현선 turned around and picked it up and threw it back to me several times.  When I still missed catching it, she said, “I will take it!” and walked away.    The train ride back home was breathtaking as the train moved continuously along rice paddies, glistening in golden lights reflected from evening sun setting on the horizon. The lights shining blanketed vast area as if sea of golden rice were dancing in breeze.  It was mesmerizing view to watch, sitting on a deck of the train with cool autumn breeze hitting hard on my face.  I could hear 현선’s voice coming from the cabin talking with her friends, and cool autumn breeze was blowing in through the opening where I was sitting. I was breathing in and breathing out the cool autumn air occasionally turning my head away from the wind blowing to catch a breath. The thought of my good luck charm is now in the 현선’s possession made strong attachment to her…then with feeling of great sense of comfort, I was thinking about what my parents’ lives like in the US. Once we got off the train arriving at 신촌역, 현선 handed out my good luck charm and I said that she could keep it if she wants. She put it back in her purse and said, “Thank you.” We all walked to our church and bid goodnight. My body was aching from walking all day long and I had no trouble falling asleep on that night.

  In wintertime, a number of big oil burners were installed in the main sanctuary providing heat for parishioners during services.  The church had balcony to provide more seating. In the fall of that year, there were more choir activities in preparation for the upcoming “Hymnal Worship”, an annual event held by the Youth group choir, inviting youth in the neighborhood and their friends to join a worship listening to hymns sung by the youth group choir.  I prepared signs for the event and posted on the bulletin board in front of the church. I had a bout of chill running down on my spine on the way back after posting them on the bulletin board and I stopped by a pharmacy and bought a liquid cold/flue medicine and drank up half of the bottle without reading the instruction for dosage. The medicine contained alcohol, and the effect of it soon took over, and I staggered walking back home, feeling drunken.

One a cold snowy day, I saw her walking down the hill in front of the church with her parents after service was over.  All of a sudden, she slipped and felt down hard. She was wearing a dark blue overcoat and the snow mark was on her buttock.  I quickly walked to her and asked her “Are you alright?” and then reached my hand to lift her up.  As my hand was reached out to her, she blushed and hold my hand.  I greeted to her parents and made my way taking a detour having to avoid the situation walking with her parents out of embarrassment.

Couple of days before I was leaving the country,  I met 현선 quite by an accident on the way home.  The encounter her when I was walking with a friend. I met her half a way to home from the church.   My friend probably told her that I would be leaving the country to meet my parents in the U.S. We stopped at the bus stop nearby my home and waited for a bus. When the bus arrived, I reached out my hand to shake her hand...that was my last time I ever saw her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------